I Dream to be someone's Dream.
seeing eye to eye is hard when you are on the bottom of someone's shoes.
I remain a slave, a victim of her disease.
Polish my tarnished heart,
someone.
Pull my heart out of the jaws of my own agony
While I wait, I will Dream

He Realized that it wasnt true
Destined for great things
Being the first man to live forever
It would be his generation that solved the puzzle
Maybe he would do it
Everyday is now a timebomb ready to go off at any time
Cut the Blue
No, Cut the Red
Take control of the last thing you can
I'm Good to Go
Ave Maria
Good Bye

Some Torment Saint
All Dressed in White
Everyday is an oppurtunity to exorcise my demons
Make all that has been wrong, become right
I get Closer
Eye contact turns into a coincidental gaze
I have my chance
My eyes shift to the floor
Anyone close to me is now much more interesting than ever before
You and me, Now is the time
Hello, then Silent like a mime
Another day, another missed opportunity
Everynight my bed becomes a haven for all my inadequacies
Floating on an ocean of Anger and pity
Should I wake up with the newfound hope that tonight's dreams will come true?
Optimism is for those who live in the light
I live in the Darkest of Nights

Some of my Favorite YouTube Videos

I am youtube whore just like everyone else out there. Here are some of my favorites

The Honey Moon lends the stage to the Morning Sun
It shines through my translucent skin
revealing my constant failures
and my internal fire that shines as bright as a wet match in a vicious storm
Leave me alone and let me rot
Because this life of despondency is all I got

The less it is read, the more cathartic it is.

Unfamiliarity of Death

I will be the first one to say that I am fortunate. I have never really experienced death in my life up until recently; I have had 3 of my dogs die, including Bo who was my puppy and Charlie, Kirsten's dog, who I was really close to. I was very heart broken after their deaths, they felt like a part of my family and it was tough. Then last summer my uncle died, I had only met him once and it was really hard for me to have any feelings, he wasn't very close to me. Then a month ago my mom's baby sister passed away from cancer. I didn't know Janet too well, she has always lived in Chicago since I was a little child and I hardly ever saw her. Seeing my mom and my aunt in so much pain was a very different feeling for me. I couldn't do anything to help my mom, like I have been many times before. After her death, seeing my mom's side of the family mourn was very tough and was my first real experience with death. It was in a way expected, for she was terminal for almost 8 months, but it was still a lot more real to me than I could of ever imagined. a week later, my uncle Darrell passed away in Idaho. Once again, I did not know Darrell very well, but I spent some time with him and he was very close to my Dad's side of the family. His death brought mourning on the other side of my family, once again the pain I felt was that for my closer family members and not neccessarily for my lose. These were my first two experiences with death and they were both very similar and made me very sad. One because I lost a family member and two, it brought a lot of pain on my parents, who I love the most in this world.
The event that has affected me more than these two people is someone that I only met once. She was my cousin from Wisconsin, her name was Kelly. She, her sisters and brother came out to Oregon to attend Janet's funeral; they were her step children. At the get together after the service, all the younger kids played a game of cranium in the sun while drinking a heavy amount of Corona in the memory of Janet. Kelly was very nice, but I by no means talked to her a lot and I barely knew her. But two weeks ago she was reported missing in her home town of Madison. It was strange to see this person that I had just met and seen in such a docile environment be pictured on MSNBC, CNN and Fox news as a missing persons. She was found today in Oregon, Wisconsin, quite eerie when you consider that she really loved it out here, or so I was told by my aunt. she was murdered, and dragged and hidden out in the woods by a horse stable. She was only a few minutes away from her apartment when she went missing, or so it is believed.
I cannot stop thinking about this, someone I met only once, yet I am filled with sorrow. I can't imagine how everything happened, how scared she must of been in her last moments. It started to scare me, how real death was. I was so ignorant of it prior to these events. It is something that can happen at any time. This is someone who had lost her father last summer and lost her stepmom a month ago, and now she is dead. Anything can happen to anyone, and it scares me. To anyone that still trys to convince me that god has a plan, please shut the fuck up. What was his plan for destroying this family by letting a father, step mother and daughter from one family die in a year's span? I do believe in God and I have a lot of faith in him, but I do believe that once we enter this world, everything is our decision and don't try to shove that "Gods Plan" bullshit down my throat. I can't believe someone going through such a hard time in her life goes out one night and gets killed. It really makes you think twice everytime you go down that freeway or even eat that double bacon cheeseburger. Death is so much scarier and more real to me than it was a day ago and much more than a month ago.
These are people I barely know and I cannot imagine losing someone very close and dear to me. I know people go through this everyday, inlcuding a very good friend of mine. I send my thoughts to them and it make you just want to grab your family and take care of them. Make sure that they are ok. I have been worying everyday that when I don't see my cat in the morning, that he has died amd that if my mom doesnt answer her phone that something has happened. It has really changed my way of thinking and I hope that this changes soon, because i really cant keep doing this, I am scaring myself more and more everyday.

I'm sorry Kipling
I haven't met triumph
Should I address it with the same antipahty that I approach disaster with?
I will be waiting
still impatient with my dead imagination

I hear the pounding
of my ever coming fate
I need the release
before I go away

the pain will all end soon
this white lady is going to save me
I hear your laughter while jumping out of the plane
It takes 8 seconds to jump and 30 minutes to fall
I fall farther everyday

I hear the pounding
of my ever coming fate
I need the release
before I go away

Rest in Peace Aunt Janet

This morning at 4:45 AM my Aunt Janet passed away peacefully in her sleep. We all love you and you will be in our thoughts. Death is the Road to awe. You are in a better place now, sipping margaritas on the beach and enjoying the sun. Always in our hearts.

The Vaccumm of Isolation is deafening
I can only see the mirth that surrounds
The figmental fence is detoriated, yet daunting
My chains broke long ago, but still constrain me
The encircling happiness is as easy to grasp as a firefly in the night
My grip is as strong as the confidence I exude
Down the grate it goes, settling next to the ashes of my dreams of inclusion
Which I burned everyday until they became my only hope
Then they were gone

I pour my heart into and try the hardest I can and I get an ouput that is surpassed by someone's scraps. What's the point of trying?

Jack Abramoff, but I hardly even know Abram. And if I did, I would only let him get to 2nd base.

Welcome

Hello there, My name is Ryan Maley and welcome to my blog. A lot of my roomates have blogs and I've thought a long time about doing one, but I have never gotten around to it, mostly out of laziness. Another reason is that I am not a very insightful person, and most of my thoughts and analysis are rather rudimentary and boring. Then came the subject that pushed me over the edge and into the blog world, baseball. My roommate Jake talked about his friend's desire to have him make a top 10 Baseball Movie list on blog and this really made me want to do this, so her I am. So not only am I stealing that idea, but it will most likely be my only post for months on end. So if one of you ever becomes engrossed in my different top 10 list and horrible grammar, you will be disappointed by my lack of commitment to my blog. That is it for my introduction, hope you enjoy!